BURIED IN AN AVALANCHE OF LOSSES

 

“When I was twenty three I was raped. That was the beginning of my depression. That was nothing compared to your affair. The rapist was a stranger to me; you, I thought, were my best friend”.

“When I first uncovered your secret, I stopped feeling special to you. But on a deeper level, I lost trust in the world and in myself”.

These comments only begin to suggest the profound and sweeping losses you’re likely to experience when you first learn that your partner has been unfaithful. There’s no way to prepare yourself for this crushing revelation. Your view of life and the world you live in may be ripped apart. Whatever self-assurance and security you felt in the past may now seem naive or false. “where have I been?” you ask yourself. ” Why these happen to me? Do I have to do something to change the existing of my self image?  Do I live on this planet?”.

Your mind and body are likely to be in shock. Gone is your fundamental sense of order and justice in the world. Gone, too, are your sense of control over your life, your self-respect,your very concept of who you are. You may feel abandoned by someone, your lover and friend, family, and friends, God. A stranger to yourself, you may swing wildly from one extreme to another, determined and confident one moment,humiliated and needy the next. Battered by feelings so intense, you may start to wonder, ” Am I going crazy?”.

I want to assure you that you’re–that, in fact, what you’re experiencing is a normal and appropriate response to an acutely traumatizing experience. You’re reeling not only from the loss of the integrity of your relationship, but also from the loss of an illusion–that you’re special to your partner, and that the intimacy  you thought you shared with that person would last forever.  In the face of that shattered news, it would be strange if you didn’t feel lost. It will take me a while to recover and find my way back to reality again.

After twenty years of that relationship and loving him unconditionally, he announced he was trading me for a Filipino woman like me. My first reaction was, ” This couldn’t possibly be happening to us”, were perfect for each other. Why take another woman like me?. Soon after that announcement, I burst into crying and goes into deep depression. I went to bed crying for two days. Overnight, I went from a person who was capable and able to lay down everything for this man, independent, full of zest, to a total zombie—paralyzed by a depression I had known only from an academic distance. One night I was lying  in bed comparing the silence in my apartment with the terror and confusion in my head, sadness overtake my feelings, wide awake, and cried for the whole night. Or in my shop looking out the window, hoping he showed up. Only to realized that he will not come to see me or be with me again. He was with another woman now. I had imagined the whole thing. It suddenly occurred to me: “I’ve not only lost him for another Filipino woman, I’ve lost my mind”. My confidence  continued to plummet. I saw myself as a fraud, a hollow shell, too empty,  lifeless, or deserve a decent partner. Life belonged to others, not to me. I am still struggling with depression.inspirational-quotes-about-god-with-pictures-i8

One day, I will be happy again.   God Bless!   Merly Bayona

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